


the art of balancing feelings

by kamrynmustdie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Fluff, I think?, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, References to Depression, Self-Love, Unhealthy Relationships, its more of a veeery hinted crush, jisung has been through a lot, jisung has the best friendship group, nobody dates anyone, the relationship isn’t really relevant, this is really hard to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28108137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamrynmustdie/pseuds/kamrynmustdie
Summary: what is this place between hopeless romantic and strong independent individual?or,jisung is just fine being alone.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	the art of balancing feelings

**Author's Note:**

> its been AGES since i last wrote and i think my style changed... i’m not too sure about this one. it’s waaaay different to anything i’ve done before, and i haven’t really seen anything like it either, but i think it went quite well! it’s inspired by a tumblr post by theparistimes , which is also where the summary comes from - i thought it would be interesting to explore the relationship between being happily single and being kinda lonely, and as always, jisung was my outlet for that. hope you enjoy!

_it’s spending your weekends entertaining nobody but yourself._

jisung sighed. it was friday night, and his friends had insisted on bringing him to the pub, saying a drink and a chat will do wonders for his gloomy outlook. it had been a rough week for him, to say the least, and all he wanted was to go home, crack open a bottle of wine, and be in bed by 10pm.

it had started with the news that he’d been furloughed from work until further notice. that was basically the only constant fixture in his life; everything else was come and go, play it by ear as to what he’d be up to. he saw the same people, sat at the same desk, drank the same shitty coffee despite having complained about that machine one too many times. it was boring, it was tedious, but it was constant, and that in itself was comforting.

the first few days of freedom went by with him playing video games or finally picking up his guitar, but by wednesday jisung had looked downright miserable. minho had to cancel their coffee date so he could self-isolate - one of the members of his dance group had come down with a fever, he explained, and he didn’t want to put his best friend in danger - and this left him with nothing to do except sit inside and wonder why he missed filing. he almost considered writing an email, just to feel something.

thursday saw him flicking through job listings for shops, knowing they needed the help. then he saw the start times, and said ‘yikes’ aloud, closing his laptop and wondering why the hell anyone would start work at 4am. his dreams of being a kpop idol were long gone - the idea of getting little to no sleep was the breaking point for him. thinking about it once more, he shook his head and went to have a nap, just to pass the time. he’d thought having time off would be relieving, but he was just more stressed than before.

so that led to jisung sitting at a bar with his friends, debating the current hot topics like whether masks are useful, and whether the pub would close altogether. he laughed at the idea of coughing on his boss, took a swig of beer, and looked around the entirely too-crowded pub, wishing they’d stayed at home instead.

“you alright?”  
jisung looked around, vision clouded over as a result of the alcohol. it was changbin, concern etched into his sharp features.  
he nodded, not trusting his voice.  
“i call bullshit. wanna talk about it?”  
“i’m alright.” he shook his head decisively, trying to come across more interested than he felt. “this round’s on me, what do we want?”

on the drive home, changbin pressed a little further, determined to get an answer.  
“i just got laid off until further notice because our office had a few positive cases and they had to shut the whole thing. i thought i’d enjoy a break, but i’m still super stressed about it.”

the driver nodded thoughtfully. “it’s not long ‘til we shut down too, i reckon. serving food to people is an easy way to catch it from them, y’know? plus, it’s not reasonable to try distancing the tables with how busy we’ve been getting.”

jisung nodded. “i’ve just got nothing to do, man. it’s weird. i’ve always been so busy, and now... nothing at all. i feel worthless. even going out felt like a health violation with how close everyone was, i just wanted to relax and i couldn’t there.”

“yeah, me too. it was horrible, i don’t know why chan suggested it when his house is just as big. and without all the people!” jisung giggled at that, his hazy mind already lulling him to sleep as changbin continued talking. “wanna call me when you’re home safe? you can keep me company, you know i get lonely.”

his tone was light, but there was a tinge of sadness there, not quite lost on jisung despite his drunk state. the younger boy simply hummed in agreement.

“how was it with minho, anyway? sucks he couldn’t make it.”

sighing heavily, jisung turned to face changbin, admiring his side profile. “you know he’s been isolating. he cancelled on me too. sucks, yeah, but i’d rather keep all of us safe.” it was clear to both of them that jisung missed the dancer, but neither of them mentioned it. changbin nodded, pulling up outside jisung’s apartment building. “get home safe, sungie. want help up the stairs?”

jisung waved him off. “no, no, i got it. thanks for the ride, bin. drive safe.” he stumbled out of the car, contradicting his words, but he was an independent man, and he could make the stairs just fine by himself.

as promised, changbin rang him, chatting away until jisung dozed off, his light snoring barely audible through the phone line.

-

he slept in on saturday. he’d gotten into the habit of leaving water and painkillers next to his bed before he went out, a habit he’d grown to thank himself for, as he didn’t have to drag himself out of bed and feel his head pound. at 11am, jisung curled up with a book, losing himself in it until he felt his stomach growl. he looked at the time - 2pm, and he hadn’t eaten at all.

he lived alone, and he’d grown to love it; he didn’t have to conform to anyone else’s routines, or worry about waking anyone or freaking them out if he acted weird. entering his small kitchen, he hummed a tune as he searched for something to make lunch with. he fancied cooking himself something nice, spotting the chicken breasts he’d been meaning to use and looking up a stir fry recipe, making an excited ‘ooh!’ noise as he read the ingredients.

jisung talked to himself as he cut the meat, narrating the process as he moved to dice an onion. he crushed the garlic under a knife, threatening it under his breath and giggling at his own antics. this is what he loved about living alone - he could do what he wanted and nobody would judge him. he heated a wok, commanded alexa to turn on his cooking playlist, and continued to act like a food youtuber.

“as you see here, we just add a tiiiiiny bit of oil to the wok, and chuck in the half an onion we diced - don’t add the garlic yet! it could overcook, and we don’t want that.” he made a face towards where the camera would be, grimacing at the idea. “here we have our chicken, which we’ve marinated in this lovely mixture of soy sauce and oyster sauce; they you should only use a little bit of sauce, but it’s up to you, really. i just love soy sauce.” jisung bopped his head to the music, laughing as he imagined what gordon ramsay would say about his cooking skills.

he threw in a mixture of vegetables and left it a few more minutes, swaying his hips as he moved the stir fry around the wok, checking on the rice he’d started cooking and cursing himself for being too poor to own a rice cooker.

settling down in front of his laptop, jisung booted up netflix, placing his steaming plate of food next to him while he searched for a show to watch. he’d been rewatching breaking bad recently. on the one hand, he loved being able to make comments out loud without disturbing anyone else, but on the other, he was hilarious, and it really was a shame nobody was around to hear him.

•

_it’s getting misty eyed at the thought of growing old alone._

jisung had had far too many bad relationships to see himself in one for the near future. he’d put his foot down after his fifth breakup in two years, each one falling apart for various reasons, and now he told himself he was better off alone. he wouldn’t get hurt that way.

the first had almost been forced - he’d been too stupid to notice the girl wasn’t interested in him, and too oblivious to realise he wasn’t interested in her either. they ended amiably after he gently explained that he was pretty sure he liked boys, actually, and she’d laughed and said ‘i could have told you that,’ and that was it.

his first relationship with a guy was with an older, much too dominant man. he thought he’d enjoy it, that gay men only existed in two categories, dominant and submissive; since he wasn’t completely dominant, he must be submissive, and need someone of the opposite tendency. that was just how it worked. except, it really wasn’t, and the guy was far too rough with him to be comfortable. they ended after jisung expressed how uncomfortable he felt being treated like a sex doll all the time, even if he’d said he wasn’t in the mood. he was surprisingly understanding, and broke things off without any conflict.

the next, he found through tinder, after figuring himself out a little further and identifying himself as a switch, rather than a straight-up sub. this man was just as inexperienced as him, and they helped each other work out what they wanted from relationships. this backfired, however, when they noticed they didn’t really fit the roles of what each other wanted, and so they decided they’d be better as friends. they no longer spoke, but there were no hard feelings.

the fourth relationship started wonderfully. this guy treated him like a king and made him feel loved, until that turned into blackmail for getting jisung to do things for him in return. this led to a string of gaslighting and manipulation, which at that point, jisung was able to pinpoint and accuse him of. (he was quite proud of that - he knew that a year ago, he would have kept quiet and let it happen.) facing further abusive comments and threats of physical violence, jisung cut things off, immediately losing contact with the man. his friends had praised him, saying how brave he was for standing up for himself, but he told them he knew his worth. if they’d made more of an effort to give affection and praise to jisung than usual, it went unsaid. he deserved it after being hurt like that.

finally, he’d found himself dating a boy younger than himself, though only by a month or so, who was new to dating. jisung felt more protective over him than he’d ever experienced before outside his friendship group. jisung was still freshly hurt from the previous relationship he’d had, had gotten with this boy to distract from that pain, and started to feel like they wanted different things. he was getting busier and busier with work, he hardly had time to see or even call his boyfriend, and he felt like the guy was with him for his money rather than him as a person. looking back, that was stupid, as jisung was relatively broke - but he didn’t as feel respected as he’d have liked to, and he certainly wasn’t treating the boy right, so they ended on that note.

looking at how things panned out for him, he wasn’t too hopeful for the future. maybe he just attracted the wrong type of person. he hoped that, at least, he’d have his friends around him to the end.

jisung smiled wistfully, imagining seungmin in his old age, starting shit with the other care home residents for fun while being too awkward to tell a nurse he’d spilt his tea. he thought of jeongin flexing that he could still walk without a stick while chan was confined to a zimmer frame, and he thought of hyunjin and minho giggling together, clowning other old people as if they weren’t in the same position. those two would definitely join the yoga sessions; it would remind them of their dance sessions back in the day.

not that it would work out that way, jisung reminded himself. they’d all be married by then, with grandchildren to care for them. he’d be happy for them, but it would sting just a little.

•

_it’s strolling around the city wearing earbuds while people watch._

he’d always loved travelling. jisung was the type to wing it, book the next train to the city over and spend the day wandering around, no true plans in place. being based in incheon, it was easy for him to travel to the centre of seoul for the day, or weekend, and keep himself entertained. this kind of mini-holiday worked best alone, so he’d learnt to keep himself company quite well, quickly getting over the shame of eating alone at restaurants.

as he sat in the window seat of the train, he stared out at the landscape passing by. it was calming, doing this alone. he hoped one day he’d find someone who enjoyed this, and his company, as much as he did. he felt like going to an art gallery today. jisung used the journey to search for places to go; the beauty of seoul was that there was always something new to do. he’d have loved to go somewhere like london for that reason - he’d never get bored. he located the D museum, going on their website to find out what they had to offer.

interested, he flicked through the information section. it seemed perfect for going through alone, boasting an ‘exhibition of sound and visual that amplifies your emotions’. he nodded to himself and booked a ticket, noting the student rate so he could pay on the way in and searching for a route to walk to the museum.

jisung tended to keep his earphones in while walking through cities like seoul. it drowned out the noise and bustle of the streets just a little, and kept him company while he roamed. he felt eyes on him - he wasn’t in any rush, and was walking like he didn’t have a purpose - and pointedly ignored them. they were probably so insecure that the sight of someone comfortable being alone made them angry, he thought. he was better than that. he took out his phone for a reminder of the route, and carried on his way.

after settling down in the museum’s cafe, jisung called hyunjin to tell him all about the museum. “we should come together! they change exhibitions all the time, so it won’t even be the one i’ve already seen. it’s so cool here, jinnie - i reckon minho would love it, especially after being shut up inside for so long.”

hyunjin chuckled over the phone, mind wandering. “i could see when we’re all free, it seems like it would get chan and changbin all ‘inspired’ or whatever (jisung could just feel the finger quotes), you know what they’re like. they need to get out of that slump for their own good.”

jisung hummed as he bit into a slice of cake. “oh, the food’s amazing too, of course. i won’t even need to get ramen after this, i can just stay here all evening.” hyunjin laughed outright at that, googling the museum to have a look. “honestly, jin, i’d really recommend it.”

inside the restaurant, jisung switched to his airpods rather than the wired pair he’d used all day. he was always afraid of losing them, so he kept the wireless buds for places like this. this way, it wasn’t as obvious he was listening to music rather than enjoying the atmosphere of the place, which he could still do anyway.

“are you waiting for someone?”

he looked up in the direction of the voice, sighting a concerned waitress hovering at his table. he laughed nervously, shaking his head. “no, just me today.”

she looked a bit worried for him, but he brushed it off. “no worries, what can i get you to drink?”

jisung ordered a peach soju, texting hyunjin when the waitress walked off. he’d said he didn’t feel the shame of eating alone anymore, but when they ask things like that, it’s difficult not to.

•

_it’s cherishing your platonic friendships and not secretly wanting more._

it was a long day. after a month of being furloughed, jisung’s boss had decided that, rather than give them wages for nothing, they could work from home. unfortunately, despite it technically being more money, it also meant triple the emails. the files he’d normally look over and physically hand back, he now had to attach to an email and send them, only to get a ‘thanks. Sent from my iPhone’ back.

jisung once saw a tweet saying ‘why would i check my emails. that’s where the goddamn emails are’ and that phrase had existed in his mind ever since. it felt especially relevant now he was sending and receiving _goddamn emails_ every second.

signing off another email with a ‘best wishes, han jisung - sales associate’, he felt his phone go off.

from: kim seungminnie~  
\- we bought you chicken, be there in 10 ^-^

he sighed in relief. he’d had no idea what to cook for himself, and now he was getting food _and_ company? he loved his friends. he shut down his computer and started up his tv, loading netflix so they could watch an old drama while they ate. boys over flowers was always a classic; they’d seen it so many times they could quote it line for line.

a soft knock at the door revealed that ‘we’ was seungmin and jeongin. jisung was kind of glad it was just those two; he didn’t feel prepared for a group meeting right now. they brandished bags of yangnyeom chicken, heading straight for the kitchen and chattering about how online schooling was going. as it turns out, getting vocal training is difficult over a shitty internet connection. jisung could see why, assuring them they were both gonna do great regardless. both of the younger boys had auditions booked for a big company in a week or so, and jisung thought they really deserved to have their talents recognised.

as he warmed up the food, seungmin carried on about how hyunjin and minho had been giving them both informal dance training to prepare them for the realities of being an idol, jeongin cutting in about how minho-hyung had been especially strict about breath control since they’d be singing _and_ dancing. it was endearing, to say the least.

it was just as nice to hear that those two were out of isolation, jisung thought, making a mental note to invite minho for coffee to catch up. plating the chicken, he led his friends to the main room, gesturing for them to join him on the large sofa.

“boys over flowers, hyung! you really know how to entertain us,” jeongin beamed, digging in like he hadn’t eaten in years. he and seungmin watched fondly, the movie becoming background noise as they chatted, occasionally interrupting to quote a good line.

“how’s changbin doing? are him and chan back to making music yet? i haven’t heard anything new from them in months.”

seungmin nodded thoughtfully, swallowing a mouthful of chicken. “none of us have, hyung. they’re still stuck with creative block. hyunjin was saying you went to that new museum in seoul, you reckon that would help?”

“i loved it, and i’m sure anything could get them going at this point. it made me wanna produce something, and i don’t even have time for that anymore.”

jeongin hummed. “you really need to stop working so hard. it feels like you’re fading away sometimes, hyung, like you’ll just become a pile of emails and cease to exist.”

giggling, jisung pushed his empty plate away from him, considering undoing his belt. “i feel like that too, don’t worry. we’ll have to meet up every week with how going out’s looking. i reckon we volunteer chan’s place, it’s huge.”

after taking their plates to the kitchen, jisung flopped back on the sofa, opening his arms so jeongin could lean into him, seungmin falling easily into place on his other side. sandwiched between them, he had to get seungmin to operate the remote and find something new to watch, settling into a romcom as they curled up together. jisung ruffled jeongin’s hair fondly, resting his head on top of seungmin’s, and sighed happily. there was no place he’d rather be.

•

_it’s coming up with a funny joke and wishing you had someone to share it with before you forget._

jisung was curled up in the corner of his sofa, a blanket tucked tightly around him. he was freezing; the winter months hit hard, and his apartment’s heating had never been great. he was thankful he’d invested in a small space heater, currently pointed directly at his fluffy-socked feeties.

it was a self-care kind of evening. this was the ideal friday night for him, really. he’d gotten into treating himself after not getting the same treatment from others - he knew he deserved to be cared for, so if no-one else was going to, he may as well step up. he’d already applied a moisturising face mask, giggling at the cartoon animal on the fabric. the printed panda didn’t quite align with his face properly, making the poor thing look all distorted and sad.

“kids, this is your brain on drugs,” he said aloud, bursting into a fit of laughter as he gestured at the disfigured mask. maybe it was the glass of fancy wine he’d treated himself to, but in that moment, jisung had never heard anything funnier.

now, nestled in a tiny ball in front of the tv, watching a trashy romcom he’d never admit to enjoying, he’d remember that comment and lose it all over again. he’d said several other hilarious things since, but that really stuck out to him. he could barely stop giggling enough to remove the mask, taking one look at it and laughing loudly to himself as he threw the poor panda in the bin.

dabbing the last of the cleanser onto his face, jisung thought to himself that chan would find him hilarious. it was such a shame they all lived separately. granted, most of the time he cherished the fact that he lived alone, but occasionally it would be nice to have someone else laugh at his jokes. he deserved it.

•

_it’s arriving at and leaving parties whenever you feel like it._

jisung always dreaded parties. he wasn’t sure what it was, because he enjoyed them once he was there, but he had to really charge himself up and prepare for a night of interaction beforehand. maybe that was just the introvert in him, despite what his personality type stated. he never believed in that kind of thing anyway.

hyunjin and minho’s dance troupe had won a local competition, and they’d called for celebration. he was only going to support his friends, he kept telling himself, he’d eat some free food and be on his way, but something in him was insisting it would be awful. he’d gotten good at suppressing that impulse; he just wanted to enjoy the party like a normal person.

“sung, do you even have anything party-ish? all i’m seeing is suits and pyjamas.”

jisung shrugged off felix’s comment, rolling his eyes. “that’s because you’re in my work wardrobe. my pyjamas are there because i get lazy. try the other closet.”

sure enough, much more casual clothing was hanging up, plaid shirts between black t-shirts and the occasional smart-casual striped shirt. felix laid eyes on the skin-tight jeans he’d never seen worn and demanded to see them in action. “how can i tell you what’s good if i’ve never seen it on you?”

jisung couldn’t argue with that, slipping his comfy sweatpants off to wriggle into the skinny jeans. “ooh, han jisung, your ass!”

felix had a point - jisung’s butt, which wasn’t usually that noticeable, was clearly defined by the jeans, giving his lower body a whole new shape. jisung didn’t hate it. “i have another pair, but they’re ripped. i don’t know how acceptable that is for a party.”

“well, let’s see!” felix bounced excitedly, wanting to see his friend look the best he could.

once he’d changed into the ripped jeans, felix simply stood in stunned silence. “dude, you have to wear those. it would be, like, illegal not to.”

jisung grinned, ruffling felix’s hair affectionately and placing a gentle kiss on the top of his head. “alright, mr. fashion sense, pick me a shirt. i wanna serve.”

“thought you didn’t wanna go?” felix said pointedly, but there was no malice behind it. he sorted through jisung’s closet, selecting 3 shirts to try. jisung retorted just as lightly, “throw me a belt as well? now we’ve put the effort in, i may as well show up just to flex.”

felix threw a shirt at him, talking about how excited he was to see the dance lads again as the other boy changed. once he’d properly tucked in his shirt, popping his collar for effect, he took one look in the mirror and grinned. “this is it, lix.”

his outfit was entirely black, an oversized, bulky shirt tucking into those skin-tight jeans to emphasise his tiny waist, slivers of his thick thighs visible in the ripped denim. the shirt was only done up enough to cover his stomach, a large portion of his honeyed chest on show to the world, with a thin silver necklace in place at the base of his throat. jisung picked out some chained earrings, plenty of rings, and slipped on his trusty docs (chunky soles, definitely not because he was insecure about his height).

“no homo, but you look stunning, jisung. maybe we should do your hair up a little bit, get that forehead on show. god, i wish i looked like you.”

jisung giggled at the compliments, blushing lightly. “no, felix, don’t think like that. sometimes i wish i had your cute freckles, or your tiny nose, or those doe eyes, or - you get it. you’re attractive. let me grab some hair gel.”

once he’d found the products he needed, he sat in front of felix, expectant. the younger boy seemed to get the message, small hands adding gel to jisung’s hair until it maintained a small quiff, exposing his forehead just like he’d mentioned. there was no denying that, by the time they arrived, the two boys came to serve looks.

they split, with felix immediately finding the dance crew, while jisung targeted minho. as they’d walked in, jisung had felt all eyes on them, and rightfully so. it was hard to tell if it was because they were an hour late, or because they looked _that_ fine, but it didn’t matter either way. minho looked him up and down, smirking. “you did not come to play, sung! how have you been?”

they migrated to the makeshift bar to pour up some drinks, heavy-handed with the vodka and gentle with the coke. jisung may not have looked forward to parties, but once he was there, he was there for a good time. time passed as he moved around the room, greeting and congratulating the dance team, fending off drunk girls trying to drag him to a bedroom, and avoiding the eyes of drunk men who seemed hostile. this was the bit he hated. he settled beside hyunjin with another vodka mixer, struggling to talk to him over the noise and the alcohol making his senses hazy.

“yeah, i can barely see, so i should head out,” jisung slurred, standing up. “it’s been great seeing you, and well done again to you and the team on winning. i’ll text you when i get home. love you!” he leaned in for a hug, hardly feeling hyunjin’s strong arms wrap around him before the boy was gone, finding the next person to talk to.

jisung made his way to the main speakers, where chan was busy arranging the playlist for the evening. “hey man! sick song choices tonight. sorry i couldn’t see you much - wanna stop by tomorrow for coffee?”

the older boy smiled fondly, hearing him struggle to get the words out. “sounds good, chief. let me know when you get home, alright?” chan leaned in for a quick hug, with jisung almost melting into the touch. “see you!”

the cold air was like a slap in the face, sobering him up almost instantly. his apartment was only a few minutes’ walk away, he’d done it thousands of times in various states of inebriation. when he was settled down in bed, he texted their group chat to reassure them he was home safely. jisung was always thankful they never asked why he left so early - they just saw the 10pm time stamp and left varying ‘sleep well’ messages. smiling appreciatively to himself, jisung turned over and drifted off.

•

_it’s a romantic song playing and you wishing it was socially acceptable to slow dance on your own._

han jisung was a busy man. working overtime, even though he still couldn’t actually visit the office, had become more of an expectation than ever, and his boss was becoming stricter with each subpar work day. it was like he expected his employees to dedicate their entire lives to their jobs, ignoring the idea that they might have social lives, or want a break every now and then.

his everyday routine was crammed with video conferences, sending hundreds of emails back and forth in order to check all their figures were correct, and spreadsheet after spreadsheet of numbers. if jisung had to look at another fucking invoice, he swore he’d lose his mind.

he’d found a happy medium when working from home, discovering almost immediately that having the tv on in the background would just be distracting. having exhausted every last one of his spotify playlists, jisung began to turn to the radio. there was a certain sense of nostalgia in that - growing up, he didn’t have the luxury of tailoring a bunch of playlists to his every mood, he could only find a station that played something close to his taste and hope for the best. not being able to look at the up-next queue also got rid of another distraction - jisung couldn’t help but peek at what was to come, deleting songs if he didn’t vibe with them, taking yet more time out of his work day.

with the blue of the tv screen turned low as it belted out 00s pop, jisung could finally focus. he could truly lose himself in his work, calculator in one hand, the other on the keyboard, filling out documents and spreadsheets with a new found determination. every now and then, he’d be interrupted by an advert break. this was usually a sign he should refill his drink; that, or have a walk around, use the toilet, and grab a snack on the way back to his desk. his boss never let them listen to music at work, and quite honestly, jisung was starting to think it would do wonders for their productivity as a company.

when he next looked out of the window, it was dark. without him noticing, the music on the radio had begun to get more mellow, winding down as the late evening hours approached. saving and sending one final invoice, jisung shut his work laptop down. fuck, he was hungry. how hadn’t he had a proper meal all day?

he padded to the kitchen, fluffy socks muffling his footfalls and making for a fun slide on the tile floor. it was a low-effort kind of evening, he decided; it was already 10pm, after all.

wait, 10pm? he’d started at 9 that morning.

his stomach rumbled as if to prove a point.

jisung reached for a pack of frozen chicken strips, eyeing up the oven chips next to them with a grin and taking them as well. aligning his meal on a baking tray, he slid the food into the oven and started a half-hour timer.

now, he waits.

he leaned against the counter, checking his phone for any new activity. he had a few unopened snapchat messages - he’d had his phone off all day in an effort to focus on work. clearly, he’d succeeded, but now he felt bad ignoring his friends.

minho had sent him a rare photo of all three of his cats at once. jisung replied with some cute emojis, alongside a selfie with a cat filter applied, captioned ‘i’m cute too, right?’. the older boy would surely say yes.

hyunjin had sent him a series of selfies, each more close-up and blurry than the last, all of them plastered with text. clearly, this boy was going through something. jisung hoped he’d found someone else to help him, replying apologetically and explaining he’d tried to be productive, but at what cost? he got a sad selfie in return.

seungmin almost exclusively sent him mugs of jeongin, and today was no exception. jisung decided to send back a video of him head-banging to whatever song was on the radio, no matter how inappropriate. when jeongin replied with a video of seungmin laughing so hard he almost fell over, he knew it was the right choice.

jisung also checked in on chan, making sure he wasn’t too deep into his seasonal depression. he silently wondered if he’d worked on any new material, but knew that the man would tell everyone once he had. chan was awful at responding, so jisung left the chat without waiting for him to read it.

putting down his phone, jisung noticed the radio still playing in the background. a slow, romantic tune had just started, one he recognised from his childhood. slowly, hesitantly, the boy began to sway in place, transferring his weight between his legs just as minho once taught him. it was a lilting 3/4 melody, perfect for a waltz, and suddenly, jisung wished he knew how to ballroom dance.

more than that, he wished he had someone to dance with.

he raised his arms to an open position, as if in hold with a partner, socked feet taking unsure steps across the tiled floor of his small kitchen. mouthing ‘up, up, down,’ to himself as he went, making slow but sure circles around the room, jisung swayed all the while, eyes closed as he lost himself in the moment.

he could almost feel arms supporting his own, legs moving in perfect time, a strong body against his as they waltzed together, his head buried in the other person’s neck. he could almost taste their skin as he mumbled the words, lyrics of love, of a sweet, innocent couple, lost in each other’s eyes.

jisung opened his eyes in shock at a loud, incessant beeping. looking around his empty kitchen, he pulled his dinner out of the oven, cursing his overactive imagination.

once he was done eating, he shut off the tv, hit with a sudden wave of drowsiness.

if, while he showered, he wished for warm hands rubbing the gel over his body, leaving hot kisses against his neck, or for someone else’s arms wrapping his towel around him, gently pressing a face mask against his skin, he’d never mention it aloud.

and if, when he was trying to fall asleep, his head was full of thoughts of dancing with someone, feeling warm fingers intertwine with his, or of someone’s warm torso pressing against his back as they cuddled, legs curling up together almost naturally, well, that was his business.

•

_it’s rolling to the cold side of the bed when the morning sun tickles your face._

in short, jisung was known to get lonely. he’s only human, after all. after his last, most painful breakup, he’d hooked up with a lot of... questionable people. it was almost every night at one point; he fell into a routine of coming home from work, brushing up his appearance, and hitting the club.

(this bred a large part of his awful eating habits, too, not that he’d admit it to himself. between his manager barely allowing breaks, and the rush of getting all prettied up to go out, jisung would forfeit a proper meal in favour of a few biscuits, more focused on who would be getting him off that night. often, he’d skip breakfast in order to make it to work, not realising how bad this could be until he could see his own ribs. he was working on that now, despite how his hookups had loved his petite frame.)

once he got into the club, he fell easily into a routine.

first, jisung bought himself a drink. normally favouring a double vodka and coke, he’d sometimes go for schnapps - less alcohol, but better tasting - or whiskey if he wanted to get wasted as quickly as humanly possible. this was key to forgetting how lonely he felt in the first place. he’d scout the place for any hopeful targets, and on the rare occasion he’d find someone quickly, he’d get one for them too.

looking back, maybe drinking his feelings away wasn’t the healthiest habit ever. he didn’t miss it at all.

next, he’d order a second drink, most likely a fruity cocktail with a wicked mixture of spirits that would take him closer to being entirely faded. the beauty of clubs was that nobody could judge his choices. maybe he’d have three or four of those, perhaps a few shots in between, depending on how much he wanted to remember. sometime during this stage, he’d ask the bartender for a glass of water, just so they wouldn’t worry so much.

once his eyesight started to blur, he’d stumble to the dance floor, moving through the crowd until he found someone hot enough to grind on. the dark room combined with jisung’s hazy vision made this easier, as he didn’t have to put so much effort in. knowing how attractive he could be, he’d effortlessly dirty-talk his way into their pants, offering a comfy bed and an empty house between kisses.

he’d call a taxi, far too fucked up to handle the short walk home, hands never leaving his partner’s body. leading them inside his home, he would just about make it to the bed without jumping the guy, movements messy and desperate.

they would fall asleep together, maybe spooning, maybe a foot apart. jisung’s need for after-sex cuddles was, sadly, not often indulged.

in the morning, it was always a gamble as to whether his partner had stayed. he didn’t know which was worse - waking up alone, or having to watch his partner do the walk of shame, embarrassment oozing from both of them. usually, they stuck around for a cup of coffee at most, wanting to make sure jisung knew they were out of his life.

he got so used to waking up to someone else’s snoring that he could barely sleep alone.

of course, that was all behind him now. it had been months since he shared his bed with another person, months since he let himself be used in a desperate attempt to forget the pain he was in. now, the king-size bed he’d indulged in felt like a safe haven, protecting him from facing the day ahead.

now, when jisung woke up with the morning sun, he didn’t have to worry about disturbing the stranger drooling on his pillow. he simply rolled over, buried his face in the cool, unused side of the bed, and smiled, knowing he was in a better place.

•

_it’s getting sleepy while driving late at night and pulling over at almost every stop to grab a coffee._

even working from home, jisung had the tendency to lose himself in the flow of things, not realising the time until it was 2am and he was still emailing his boss (weirdly, though, his boss always replied instantly.). he’d always been one to overwork, even when it was unneeded; he’d been raised to think he had to be working every second in order to be valued at all, and that was a hard mindset to shake.

still, at least at home he didn’t have to worry about leaving his workplace on time.

putting his feet up, jisung dug into his plate of spaghetti, thoughts trailing back to this time last year, when he’d still been commuting every day. he switched off the news - he could read all about those statistics later, and they were probably manipulated anyway.

his car sat in the driveway, not having touched a motorway in months. jisung simply didn’t need to go anywhere anymore. he’d occasionally offer lifts when he went out with his friends, having gotten used to being the designated driver, but now ‘going out’ wasn’t really the done thing, he only really went shopping.

he almost found himself missing the hour-long commute into the centre of suwon. jisung’s work habits (his boss called it productivity, he called it a perfectionist complex) meant that he rarely caught the 5pm rush, often hitting the motorway closer to 9pm, when there were hardly any other cars around to hear him crank up the music.

he remembered how he’d hit the national speed limit and cruise along, his driving playlist making him feel invincible. thinking more about it, jisung recalled how tired he could get post-shift, sometimes pulling into every service station he spotted on the way for a chance to stretch his legs and get some caffeine in him.

he knew minho would be free at this time, the dancer’s workload meaning he’d only just be eating dinner. stood in the near-empty service station, he’d call the older boy while the self-service machine poured his coffee.

“what are you doing up?”

minho’s response was immediate, his voice pure relief to jisung’s exhausted brain.

“coming home, man. you know i work late. this is already my second stop for coffee.” even to his own ears, he sounded tired, but it brought him comfort knowing his friend was in the same boat.

“you gotta stop doing that, you’re meant to be home by 6! i’m surprised you even sleep.”

jisung’s coffee was done, quickly cradled in the boy’s hands as a pseudo-heat pack. “the boss pays me extra and i have no life anyway, i can’t really complain.” he wedged the phone in the crook of his neck as he went to pay for the drink, letting minho talk about his latest piece of choreography as he made his way back to the comfort of his car.

“right, hyung, you’re gonna keep me awake while i drive home.” even in the silence, jisung could hear the concern radiating from the other line, and quickly reworded the statement. “i’m safe, don’t worry! i’d get a hotel if i was that tired. i just want your company, hyung.”

he heard a sigh of relief and connected his phone to his car’s bluetooth, minho’s soft voice ringing out through the vehicle.

as he began to drive once more, jisung let himself relax into the sound of the older boy complaining about the new dancers they’ve taken on, praising hyunjin for dealing so patiently with them.

“god, ji, you have no clue, they’ve never taken a step in their lives! how are you going to join a group specifically for experienced dancers knowing you don’t have experience? make it make sense. jinnie’s far too kind with them, i honestly envy him. i would’ve kicked them all in the shins by now.” jisung giggled, imagining the kinds of people they must be dealing with. minho was a patient man himself; hearing him this annoyed was a rarity.

twenty minutes passed, the caffeine working it’s way through jisung’s system until he felt pressure behind his eyes once more.

“hyung, we’re getting more coffee.”

he heard an exasperated sigh, followed by a quiet “you’ll never sleep at this rate.”. he chose to ignore it, stopping in the near-deserted car park and facing the artificial lights of another service station. this one didn’t have automated machines, the coffee shop instead being populated by a single, exhausted member of staff. jisung stuffed his phone into his pocket and approached the guy.

“could i get a large black coffee, please? extra caffeine if you can.”

the man smiled, deep purple eye bags making themselves known. they almost matched jisung’s. “‘course, it’ll just be a moment.”

“great, is it cool if i use your toilet while that’s pouring?”

he knew that normally, they would say no, you have to be there to collect your order when it’s ready. however, it was late in the evening and the place was empty.

“sure thing, man. i’ll keep it warm.”

taking his phone out of his pocket, jisung belatedly remembered he was still calling minho.

“uh, hyung? you there?”

“hmm.”

“okay, i’m gonna put this on mute for a sec.”

after washing his hands and thanking the barista profusely (jisung took a mental note of his name - jiwon - and the location so he could leave a good review), he was on the road again, minho’s chatter ever-present over the phone.

“...and i wanna travel, man, you know we were just about to start doing competitions? we coulda gone worldwide, and now... boom, travel bans. im just trying to see the world, y’know? london one night, tokyo the next, that’s the dream.”

jisung sighed. he was in the exact same boat, except he’d be on the side, supporting his creative friends while he slaved away at his office job. sometimes he regretted not joining a company like his friends had, or even doing an independent project like hyunjin and minho, or chan and changbin.

truth be told, he could still be involved in some way - except producing was only a hobby, and rapping a skill he’d long since given up. his vocals were most likely too rusty to retrain.. if only he’d worked harder.

but he tried not to think like that. the idol life wasn’t for him; it was far too unpredictable, too much work for too little result and too little sleep. besides, he liked being there for his friends, and he liked seeing his name next to his company’s achievements, seeing the pay rises come in, seeing his title improve with each promotion.

he’d zoned out while minho was talking, yet again. jisung took a swig of coffee, the bitterness shocking his system into action once more. fuck, that was good coffee.

“...i don’t know, ji, i think it would be cool to see where we’ve lived. here’s me that’s never left korea, and there’s felix who lived half a life in fucking australia. i’m just curious.”

jisung nodded, then remembered minho couldn’t see him. he turned off the motorway, the commute more muscle memory than conscious recall. “yeah, that would be cool. reckon hyunjin knows all the best bitches in vegas?” he heard minho laugh at that, and continued before his train of thought was too far derailed.

“LA seems pretty cool too, to be fair. better than most of america. we been knew, seungmin has taste.”

minho cut in, still trying not to giggle at jisung’s words. “i’m dying to see australia, man. you hear so many fucked up things about it, yet chan and felix seem to love it more than anything in the world? something’s not adding up there.”

there was a small pause as jisung took another turn, heading closer to the centre of incheon. home wasn’t far now.

speaking of home...

“i can take you to ampang when this is all over, hyung. i think you’d like it.”

“if you like it, ji, then i will too.”

jisung’s heart soared with that statement. it was something so personal - he hadn’t set foot in malaysia since moving back to incheon, and oddly, he found himself homesick for it. this wasn’t something he’d share with just anyone; even with his friends, he barely spoke about malaysia, to the point where he wasn’t sure all of them knew in the first place. to take minho, well, it was like welcoming the boy into his childhood home.

“oh, hyung, i found so many cool spots in my time there. it’s probably, like, the best place in kuala lumpur, maybe the best in the whole country. there was this massive park near my house that i used to practice dance in because i was too scared to actually join a club, and i could show you the woods where i got really drunk and wrote a bunch of lyrics. it’d be a vibe.”

jisung smiled fondly at the memory as he pulled into his street. minho had gone oddly quiet.

“hyung? did i scare you off?”

there was a delay, then a “yeah, no, im just... thinking about how nice that would be. it’s like this whole part of your life i just don’t know about, and i find that so interesting. you’re really interesting, you know, ji?”

he couldn’t help but blush. “i mean, so are you, man. look at you, co-running a successful dance company at age 22. you truly love to see it.”

“no, but like, you have all these experiences you just don’t talk about. it’s like when hyunjin told us about the cult thing, but he didn’t treat it like a big deal, and we were like, what?? i’d love to hear more about your life, sungie.”

as he parked outside his apartment, jisung thought about it, draining the last of his coffee. “yeah, i get you. give me time, though, hyung. i barely even think about living there anymore.” he paused, realising minho was still processing his words. “anyway, uh, i made it home, so i’m gonna head straight to bed. thanks for calling, hyung, i don’t think i would’ve stayed alert without you. hopefully see you soon?”

he heard scuffling, and a quiet “yeah, see you soon, ji,” whispered on the edge of a yawn. jisung hoped that meant minho was going to sleep too; he knew, realistically, that the older boy would go back to choreographing, but he could always hope.

“love you, hyung. goodnight.”

•

_it's the late nights spent wondering if love is reserved for the deserving._

jisung couldn't sleep.

he should have been used to it by now, between his awful work schedule and the amount he used to travel with his friends. he'd spent many a night tossing and turning, unable to shut off his overactive mind and settle into some kind of slumber. most of those times, he'd had a boyfriend nearby to talk him through it, to stay by his side until he was able to properly rest; at the very least, he could call his partner until he felt the tiredness wash over him.

now, though, jisung was truly alone. in his own house, with no partner to speak of, there was nowhere to turn.

he looked at his phone, the time indicating 3:37am. none of his friends would be awake now, surely.

jeongin was always in bed by 10pm, with seungmin following not long after. they'd be well away at this point.

felix sometimes worked late into the evening if he was heaped with uni work, but 1am was his cutoff point.

hyunjin would stop choreographing around 11 at the latest, and minho would occasionally be up until 12, but they valued their sleep, and they knew if they were overtired they wouldn't produce their best work.

changbin did have a pretty fucked up sleep schedule, but he always sent memes to their group chat as long as he was awake - his last message was at 2:30am. no doubt he was in bed by now.

it was then that jisung noticed something else: chan had liked the meme changbin sent, like, 10 minutes ago. that meant he was up. of course he was; chan never was one for sleeping when he could be working.

without a second thought, jisung tapped chan's contact details, ringing the older boy. he needed the company.

"what the fuck, jisung, why are you up?" chan's words seemed accusatory, but there was no anger in his tone, only concern.

"can't sleep," jisung mumbled, his voice weak. "head's full."

chan hummed, clearly thinking. "is everything okay? d'you wanna talk about it?"

silence. now he had the company he'd desired, jisung didn't know what to say.

he settled for a quiet “do you think i’ll ever be loved?”.

jisung felt the weight of chan’s sigh, tugging on his heart as the older boy fumbled for a response.

“of course, sungie, you already are. what brings this on?” chan seemed devastated, and jisung almost regretted dumping the heavy topic on him, but,

“what if i don’t deserve it? what if i go through my whole life without-“

“whoa, whoa, jisung, i’m gonna stop you right there. take me back to the beginning, why is this on your mind?”

jisung took a deep breath and spilt everything. every aspect of the relationships he’d kept secret, he blurted in one, impossible breath, before he could stop himself. the manipulation, the guilt, the playing on his feelings, the way he’d felt he needed control to the point he almost did the same to someone else. he let the words keep falling, not processing a single sound until it was all out there, the way he’d felt cheated, betrayed, and above all, undeserving. he told chan the real reason behind all those hookups, all the scratches and bruises and hickeys he let himself gain, all the boys he kissed knowing he’d never set eyes on them again.

he let chan in on the secrets he’d held so tightly, the way he’d overworked to distract himself, the way he’d skipped meals just to feel the hunger pangs, the way he’d consumed sad, twisted media just to elicit some kind of emotional response, just to fill his numb mind with something, and the way he’d come home drunk every night, eyes hazy and skin buzzing, just to fill his numb body with something.

he spilt everything, until he was left empty, sobbing, gasping for breath.

“hey, hey, jisungie, breathe with me.” hearing chan’s calming voice was such a stark contrast to his current state that jisung only cried harder, burying his face in the pillow clutched in one angry fist. “let’s breathe it all out for a second so we can talk about it properly, yeah?”

chan sounded so genuinely loving that jisung could barely handle it. he tried his best to level his breathing, matching chan’s slow counting with sharp intakes and shaky exhales, heart pounding in his chest.

all the while, chan praised him, telling jisung how well he was doing, how he must feel better already, his breathing was so much calmer now. jisung responded to the kind words with a weak smile, breathing slowly with a new sense of pride blossoming deep in his chest.

“now, i want you to listen. i’m not asking you to answer, just to hear my words for a bit. can you do that?”

jisung let out a weak “yeah,” in response, eyes fluttering closed as his tears began to dry. he’d deal with the crusty tracks on his face later.

“ji, i’m not sure why you’ve kept it to yourself for so long, but it doesn’t make you any less of a person, going through all that. i can feel how painful this is for you a mile away, and i hope you know we’re all here for you, no matter what. that said, you still deserve to be loved, why wouldn’t you? nothing could negate that. besides, like i said before, you’re already loved. you’ve got all of us around you, and we adore you above anyone else in the world. you do realise that, right? no amount of shitty relationships can take away from how easy it is to love you.”

jisung sniffled as chan paused, thinking. “i love you so much, hyung. i appreciate you and the other guys so fucking much, and i only kept my shit to myself because i didn’t want to worry you. thank you for being here, chan, really. i don’t know where i’d be without all of you supporting me like you always have.”

chan grinned, so infectious that jisung almost felt the energy through the line, offering his own weak smile in return. “we’ve always got you, sungie. would you like me to talk to you until you go to sleep? i was about done here anyway.”

jisung checked the clock: 4:13am. chan had better be done, or he’d get his ass kicked (fondly, of course).

“if you don’t mind, hyungie. i love you. g’night.”

-

10:42am.

jisung arose to the sun filtering brightly through the curtains, cursing his alarms for not waking him already. he felt empty, as if all emotion had been drained from him overnight. he dragged a hand over his face - right, the tear tracks. he’d spent a good half hour sobbing into his poor pillow, and he wasn’t feeling too good about the mixture of tears, sweat from his clenched fists, and dribble that was undoubtedly on his pillowcase.

he rubbed his eyes. somehow, in spite of all the tears he’d shed, the words he’d uttered almost unconsciously, jisung felt better, as if a giant weight had been lifted off his shoulders. in spite of last night’s worries, he’d found a new kindling of hope, of trust in the knowledge that he was very much loved.

_it’s shaking those thoughts off in the morning because you know what you deserve._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading! i really hope you enjoyed it. feel free to gimme some feedback in the comments, constructive criticism is welcome as always and i love seeing what you think of my work! my cc is here here if you wanna send anything ^-^


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